


SpongeBinks

by letitrainathousandflames



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Fic, M/M, NSFW, and have sex. they fuck, bc like, bottom!spongebob, but um. they will. do. that., don't forget to wipe your browser history after reading this dumpster fire, eventually, how to tag this, in spite of everything that is good and/or holy, slowburn, spongebinks, they uh they fuck, this is a crossover fic where jar jar and spongebob fall in love, this is what you're going for huh, top!binks, uhhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 08:55:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15945995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letitrainathousandflames/pseuds/letitrainathousandflames
Summary: This. This is my first crack fic. This was prompted to me and I have no dignity at ALL, so here it is. A crack crossover fic of Jar Jar Binks and Spongebob falling in love and at some point having sex with each other. I'm writing as I go with absolutely zero planning so don't fucking expect consistent writing, quick updates or even proper grammar. You bought the tickets to the shitshow now sit down, eat your popcorn and watch Jar Jar going to town on your beloved childhood character. The astromech is my proudest creation and you WILL love him.#spongebinks





	SpongeBinks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [That One Anon That Just Straight Up Asked For This Fic](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=That+One+Anon+That+Just+Straight+Up+Asked+For+This+Fic).



> The gungan leader has a request to make to Jar Jar and his not quite friendly little astromech. Jar Jar is fucking shit up, what else is new? If you're looking for porn, it's not in this chapter.

To say that Jar Jar Binks was a strange creature would be an understatement. The Gungan wasn’t amongst the best of his kind. Nor was he amongst the average ones. Truth be told, he was most likely one of the dumbest ones, if not the dumbest of them. His carelessness and adamant desire to help made him a creature with more destructive power than an entire platoon of clone troopers. The Republic should really thank the universe for having him on _their_ side.

Jar Jar was however a military commander, a politician representing his people, and he even had a seat at the Galactic’s senate, because life is just that funny, and if the leader of the Jedi Council can be a tiny, wrinkly green alien that speaks half-backwards sentences, why in the moons wouldn’t that gungan be able to represent his people as Senator Organa did the Alderaanians and Senator Amidala did the Nabooans?

It’s a rhetorical question and you shouldn’t answer it.

Anyway, this particularly destructive gungan with an outstanding ability to put his foot in his mouth both literally and figuratively is an important figure to be highly regarded and in quite a few levels feared. He was on his way along with Y-33T, an astromech that General Skywalker – Senator Amidala’s dear friend – had given to Jar Jar in an act of kindness (truth be told, the thing was showing a lot of malfunctions, but Skywalker couldn’t bear to just throw a droid away, despite the astromech’s nickname being YEET).

On his way where? Well, to spend some nice vacations back in his home of Otoh Gunga, much to his fellow gungans’ uneasiness. However, Binks was a public figure now and he had helped their people by forging their alliance with the then queen - now Senator Padmé Amidala and gathering their army to fight off the Trade Federation advances into their shared homeworld; Boss Nass, the gungan leader, demanded a proper welcome to him on the main halls, and stars, the gungans worked to make it perfect.

Now imagine a beautiful gathering; they had even brought beautiful dried flowers from the surface and scattered them all over, making the whole floor colorful; there were dancers and flags and numbers of acrobatics and even jugglers spinning and tossing sticks with fire on both ends. Imagine Jar Jar waking in the main doors to see all that with a big smile on his amphibian face. Imagine him getting worried about a particular dancer doing backflips and racing towards her to stop her so she wouldn’t get hurt but tripping on his own feet on the way and inadvertently pushing a fire juggler, whose fire stick dropped right next to a dancer’s long skirt. Until the dancer noticed the fire and got to stop, drop and roll - all the while letting out deafening screams - the fire had already caught on the beautiful dried up flowers nearby and was spreading rapidly.

Here’s the thing about gungans – they’re amphibians. Creatures made to survive both underwater and above it, but not in the least made to survive being involuntarily placed on what looked like a barbecue where the main dish was _them._ People were jumping on top of chairs and tables, but those soon started to burn too. Boss Nass was facepalming on his seat while the staff rushed to activate all the valves to let the water spray from the lake above through the sprinklers on the ceiling.

Fifteen minutes of screaming, fire, children crying and “meesa so sorry!”, everyone was drenched in water and rather pissed at Jar Jar Binks. Which wasn’t anything new at all. Boss Nass just awkwardly clapped with a crooked smile.

“Uh… Thank yousa all for the beautiful performance. Weesa very honored to have representative Binks back with us, right?”

The answer was made of some very sparse clapping punctuated by a gungan juggler sobbing. Boss Nass just scratched the back of his head and signed for his staffers to start cleaning that mess.

“Jar Jar!” he smiled, clearly trying not to think about the whole almost-tragedy “Meesa has important things to discuss with yousa!”

Jar Jar kicked some water off his pants, eyeing the gungan leader curiously as he walked towards him.

“Important things? What things, sir?”

“Ah-n-not today!” Boss Nass exclaimed; he didn’t think he could possibly survive another near catastrophe so soon “Don’t yousa want to rest, hmm? Yousa go home, and tomorrow, we have serious talk.”

Jar Jar cocked his head to the side.

“But meesa just got her—“

“Tomorrow then!” Boss Nass said louder now with a wide smile and an emphatic nod, waving goodbye “Yousa have a good one, eh?”

Kings are not expected to be able to retreat so quickly, but it was like Jar Jar had blinked and the gungan leader was gone. Well then, Jar Jar thought to himself with a shrug, tomorrow it would be, then.

About four smaller incidents later, one of them involving a leak that could potentially inundate the whole city, Jar Jar managed to be back in his home, picking up his suitcase from the gungan that had been sent to help him (who absolutely did not bother waiting for a tip before dashing away from the walking disaster of a gungan).

Jar Jar would sleep on the top floor, but the whole building was his – and it had been quite cheap, too. Jar Jar had thought it had been the salespeople’s kindness to make it so cheap for him but the fact was that actually the price of any place where he lived would immediately drop… no _crash_ down would be the more appropriate word.

Jar Jar looked around with a feeling of nostalgia, and he let Y-33T enter the spacious living room.

“Meesa glad yousa here with meesa, Yeet!”

Y-33T made a chirping robot noise and Jar Jar’s ears twitched.

“Whaddya mean, yousa only did it because Ani told yousa to?” Y-33T made another noise, and Jar Jar beamed all giddy “Ah, ‘cause yousa both meesa and Ani’s friend, eh?”

Y-33T waved its head in what was a clear “no”, but Jar Jar didn’t notice it. Instead, he sat by the window, looking to the underwater landscape and sighing.

“Meesa so ecxited for vacations; it’s been a long long time since meesa’s been back home. And this time, meesa here with a new friend!”

Y-33T just gave up on correcting the gungan, and Jar Jar watched the dark waters outside. The beautiful plants that would grow underwater would move very gently, and an occasional fish would swim around there with their scales shimmering with each movement. Jar Jar sat on a chair, still mesmerized with the waters outside.

“Meesa have many friends, Yeet.” He said pointedly to the astromech “But meesa wanted to have something else too… Something different. Meesa wanted to have someone to love.”

Y-33T rolled closer, whistling softly, and Jar Jar nodded dreamily.

“Yousa right, it woulda be hard to find someone.” 

Y-33T peeped.

“Yes, meesa woulda have to look for a long time,” and Y-33T peeped _again_ and Jar Jar nodded “Meesa would have to look for a veeeeery long time.”

* * *

 

On the following day, Jar Jar was supposed to a meeting with the Boss Nass very early in the morning. He had been very excited about it the previous night, so excited that he couldn’t fall asleep until it was almost time for him to be actually getting up; he was snoring loudly with one of his large ears draped over his eyes, so he couldn’t even see the clarity filtered through the water by now. His snoring sounded almost like an angry wookie, which just added to why nobody wanted to live in that building.

So there he was, blissfully asleep when Y-33T rolled up very close to his head and started playing a very loud recording of Anakin’s Skywalker complaining as he tried to fix the astromech:

“--this is an absolute _DISASTER, ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD KEEP THIS THING AROUND—AN IDIOT- IDIOT-IDIOT—_ “

Jar Jar jumped up on the bed, ripping the ear from over his eyes:

“Who’s calling meesa?!” he looked down at Y-33T, blinking lazily “Ah.”

“ _IDIOT- IDIOT- DISASTER-_ “ Y-33T stopped playing it when Jar Jar pressed a button in front of it, turning the alarm off

“Meesa sleepy.” Jar Jar yawned, plopping back down on the bed and rolling to his side, shutting his eyes “Five more minutes won’t make meesa late.”

He was snoring again in less than thirty seconds, and Y-33T chirped joyfully, sliding a port open from where a stick charged with electricity came out. His target was too easy too. The gungan was lying on his side, his buttocks just impossible to miss. Even the sea turtles swimming on the other side of the glass must’ve heard his scream as he got zapped.

“ _YOWSA!!_ ”

 _That_ woke him up. When Jar Jar actually noticed what time it was by then, he rushed to get his breakfast, which in fact meant walking out of the pressurized doors (they were automatic and one would only open after the other was closed and the space between them, drained; If Jar Jar would be the one to make the process, the whole place would be a coral reef by now), he would grab a fish with a size reasonable with his appetite and would just devour the whole thing before the door would even finish draining for him to come back inside.

Doesn’t it just make you wish that this process would never _ever_ be described again? Too bad it’ll happen another 18 times before this story is through. Such is the burden of those who can read.

Anyway, Jar Jar just put on whatever clothes he had managed not to rip or choke himself with while trying to get dressed and dashed out with Y-33T rolling fast by his side.

“Yousa see,” Jar Jar continued to blabber to a very much annoyed Y-33T “meesa very important around here. Meesa very highly regarded. Peoples even make way to meesa.”

As a matter of fact, every single gungan around seemed to be practically jumping out of Jar Jar Way not out of politeness but a very primal fear for their lives. Not everyone feared and held a grudge against Jar Jar, though – children seemed to find him very funny, and often enjoyed watching his acts of (is there any better word for that?) dumbassery. As long as they didn’t stand too close, their parents were fine; it was harmless entertainment and even if they tried to do any of his “tricks”, Jar Jar’s destructive power was his and his alone. Good thing too, otherwise gungans would be extinct.

Jar Jar had been invited for lunch with the gungan leader Boss Nass, and as he walked in the double doors of his palace a young gungan in fancy blue pants and embroidered jacket of the same color told him he would take him to their leader who had pushed his meeting with his council so that he would time for Jar Jar, according to him.

“Ohhh. Meesa very honored.”

The other gungan did not have the heart to say that the leader had also told his fellow council members that there was a possibility he might not survive through lunch, as it was lunch with _Jar Jar Binks._

Jar Jar followed him through a long glass corridor from which he could see the corals and fish around them. His stomach grumbled and Y-33T shook its upper dome at him like one would do their head. The whole place seemed a little… empty. Where was all that royal extravagance?

“Meesa remembered this place having many fancy vases and a long red carpet!” Jar Jar commented

The young gungan could swear he was sweating even though their species shouldn’t be able to do so. He let out a small, weak laugh.

“W-Well, yousa see… Senator Amidala is always covered in many layers of fancy clothing, hm? And her castle is full of fancy objects… So our ruler had been browsing some new décor ideas on Spaceterest™ and decided to just decorate the whole-a castle with minimalistic design.”

“Meesa doesn’t know this word.” Jar Jar said curiously

“Eh…” the gungan tried to sound nonchalant “It means ‘being rich but pretending not to be’. It’sa the latest fashion for regal palaces, yousa see…”

Y-33T peeped twice. It meant ‘that’s bullshit right there’, but neither of the gungans paid him attention.

“Oh.” Jar Jar said merrily “Meesa thought for a moment that Boss Nass had taken eeeeverything out because he was afraid meesa would trip on the carpet and knock all of his fancy vases.”

The guide just kept walking, shaking now.

“Ah… did yousa? W-Well, yousa see--”

“Meesa glad to know he does not think Jar Jar stupid like that!” Jar Jar said with a big grin

Y-33T went through the trouble of sliding its tweezer hand out just so that he could smack it against his own face for the lack of an actual palm to do it. The guide sighed out in relief.

“Yes, yes, well finally—I mean, weesa here, representative Binks, sir!”

Jar Jar saw himself in a huge room with a long dinner table, one that could probably fit over twenty people on each side, and Boss Nass smiled and waved at him all the way across the farthest seat. Jar Jar exclaimed Boss Nass’s name in an exited squeal, rushing towards him.

“Ah-ah!” Boss warned with a rather more tense smile “Jar Jar, sit that other way in front of meesa, hm?”

Jar Jar looked at the seat, and back to the ruler.

“Meesa doesn’t know if meesa will hear a word out of yousa, sir. It’s a little far.”

Boss just waved a hand, pointing at a communication device placed right next to his plate. There was a similar device by the plate that had been placed for Jar Jar.

“Just press red button and keep it pressed while yousa speak. No, wait. Maybe yousa’s little buddy could press it, hmm? So yousa wont…hmm.. get yousa’s hand tired, hmm?”

He let out a small laugh as Y-33T saluted him with his tiny metallic wrench-hand, and Jar Jar went to take his sit. The astromech stopped right by Jar Jar’s side. Boss’ servants stepped in, serving their entry dish; a salad made of fine red seaweed. Jar Jar looked for silverware over the table but could find none. The comlink close to him lit up and Boss’ voice came through it as the leader spoke on the mic from his side:

“We are currently eating only with our hands for now, Jar Jar. Meesa uh… read a Spaceterest™ article on how weesa carry… unique tastes in our hands and how they… enhance the way our food taste. Yes. And because forks and knives are very, very dangerous. Yousa got it?”

Jar Jar just stood still in front of his salad. Boss shrugged and grimaced, grabbing a handful of seaweed and stuffing it in his mouth as elegantly as he could manage to. Only then his comline buzzed as Y-33T kept Jar Jar’s button pressed and Jar Jar asked tentatively:

“…Yousa mean meesa shoulda eat meesa’s hands, sir?”

Boss choked a little in his salad, taking a large gulp of his bug juice and placing his cup back down. His frog-like chin swell up in the lack of patience that he soon fought to keep under control. He breathed to calm himself and pressed the button.

“No, Jar Jar. Yousa shoulda eat _with_ yousa’s hand.”

Lunch went through with no accidents. Removing tools from the equation seemed to actually have an effect, and Boss made a mental note of that. When the main dish was brought – small dices of steamed fish served cold – Boss said on his comline:

“So, Jar Jar. Meesa very sorry to ask yousa this when yousa on vacation, but only yousa can help meesa.”

Jar Jar looked up at Boss – more like squinted at him – with his popped-up eyes, listening attentively. The leader continued:

“Meesa always thought it was Nabooan and Gungans, Gungans and Nabooans here. But it seems like there’s more. More life, more people in this world of Naboo. Some travelers found out a rift that goes very deep below our homes, a territory nobody knows yet. And it’sa dangerous, very dangerous to go there without knowing it. And since yousa big, strong gungan General, meesa thinks yousa shoulda be the first one to be there and meet the peoples that lives there.”

Y-33T peeped twice again in what could now be translated as ‘I call bantha shit’, but he was again ignored; Jar Jar’s chin dropped open, and the bit of fish he had been eating fell back on his plate. His big, strange eyes were brimming with tears.

“Theesa very dangerous place and yousa want meesa to go alone there and see creatures weesa haven’t ever ever seen?”

“Well…” Boss scratched the back of his head “Jar Jar, yousa see…”

Jar Jar wiped a single tear, his voice cracking.

“Yousa giving meesa such important mission and meesa so honored!”

He proceded to cry rather loudly, wailing like a very big and awkward baby. He was being so loud that the leader’s security dashed into the room, judging by the noise that someone had probably been stabbed and was dying. More than half of them kind of wished it had been Jar Jar. Boss rubbed his temples, sighing and standing up from his seat.

“Very well then, Jar Jar. It’sa settled. Yousa be leaving tomorrow to see new place and meet new peoples. Meesa be lending you a very nice bongo. You don’t want your metal friend to get wet, hmm?”

Jar Jar only stopped crying in order to hastily shush Y-33T chirping response. Boss raised his wrinkly forehead.

“What did the little thing say?”

Jar Jar looked from Y-33T to Boss, stuttering as he too got up, almost tripping on his feet. Almost.

“I-It’sa said, ‘thank yousa very much, mighty gungan ruler’, haha!”

It had said ‘up yours, frog-face’. Unfortunately, no one in that room would know.

* * *

Jar Jar went home that day and got to pack a small bag with things he would need for the trip. Clothes, food, some juggling balls so that he could practice if he had the time. For some reason, he couldn’t manage to close the bag.

Probably because he was trying to shove YEET in there. The droid was screaming loud peeps about how it would absolutely NOT follow Jar Jar in his stupid, dangerous adventure. Half the peeps were swear words, some of them not even familiar to the gungan. Just _where_ had it learned to curse like that?

(The answer for that is “it seems like Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker is a very… prolific man whenever something he’s trying to fix can’t seem to be fixable.)

“Yousa going there with meesa!” Jar Jar said pointing at the droid as it jetpacked out of the bag, landing by his side “Meesa need good pilot and yousa astromech droid, hmm? Yousa need to come with meesa!”

Yeet chirped something along the lines of ‘no fucking way my good sir’ and rolled out of his room full speed. Jar Jar closed his bag and walked out to the living room where the astromech was already sitting on the couch and turning a holodrama on to watch like he owned the place. Jar Jar sighed loudly and dramatically, walking to the door.

“Welp, nothing meesa can do to convince yousa.”

Yeet didn’t even turn its dome at him. Jar Jar rolled his eyes, shrugging.

“It’sa dangerous trip anyways, yousa better stay where’s safe.”

Yeet turned the volume of the holodrama up, reclining back on the chair. Jar Jar scratched his head.

“Yep. Yousa probably don’t even know how to navigate. Yousa small baby droid that can’t go out in the world.”

Yeet turned the volume down, looking back at Jar Jar with a small peep and a long chirp that meant ‘you big eyed bitch said what about me?’

“Yes. Meesa keep baby droid home and go alone.” Jar Jar  opened the door, making a show of walking out “Bye-bye tiny droid child.”

Yeet jetpacked up and zoomed out until he was standing in front of Jar Jar, and it bonked its dome on his knee, hard. Jar Jar dropped his bag to clutch his knee, seeing stars.

“Owie! Yousa coming then? Great! Meesa happy yousa changed yousa’s mind!”

Yeet kept peeping curses all along their way down to the docks, and Jar Jar had even started to write some of them down because he had never heard most of them before and he was always up for learning new thngs. They finally took the keys to the bongo lent by Boss Nass – the gungan that had given it to Jar Jar took her time kissing the ship goodbye because well, if Jar Jar was taking it, the thing was doomed – and Jar Jar sat comfortably on the pilot’s seat before Yeet zapped him in the thigh, screaming that he would be the one to pilot it because ‘I sure as fuck don’t wanna die 27 feet underwater because you moron tried to do it’.

Jar Jar then sat down on the copilot seat, promising not to touch a single button there. While Yeet’s clamp-shaped hands were everywhere pulling levers and pressing buttons, Jar Jar read up the long list of swear words he had written down on his datapad after Yeet’s long rant and asked:

“So, um, meesa curious… what is a ‘thot’?”

Yeet let out the closest thing it had to a sigh and set the ship’s course. This would be a long, loooong ride.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this is being both a blessing and a curse. If there is one thing I hope my family never finds out about my online activity, is writing this mess.


End file.
